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On the first couple of nights, I'd cry myself to sleep snuggled in the Lion's strong arms. But lately I found I could talk to him about it without crying too much. I think that was mainly because Lionel had come to terms with it and his assurance that everything was going to be alright, gave me the inner strength to continue.
One night I remember waking up. I don't know what woke me, but I don't think it was a noise or anything like that. I was still snuggled in Lionel's arms. Then I realized that Lionel was crying. That's what woke me.
"What's the matter, Lionel? Are you okay?" I said softly. I was wide-awake now.
Something was wrong with my Lionel and I had to do whatever I could to make him better.
"Shhhh, Carol. I'm okay. Go back to sleep," he said sobbing.
I sat up, and from the moonlight seeping into the bedroom, I could see the tears running down his cheeks. I could see that he must have been crying for a long time because his eyes were all puffy and red. He didn't want to disturb me so he just let them flow. I reached over him and took a Kleenex from the table beside him and gently wiped the tears from his cheeks and eyes. I knew there was something very wrong for him to cry like that and I began to cry too.
"Lionel. Please, baby. You’re scaring me. Tell me what's wrong." I was almost begging him. "Tell me. I love you so much. When you are sad, so am I."
"I don't know, Carol. I really don't know," he said in a voice so soft and low that I could hardly hear him. "I just have this funny feeling inside me."
"Do you mean you don't feel well?" I asked.
"No! No! It's not like that. I don't know what it is. I just have this feeling that we don't have much more time together. I just can't shake the feeling."
Lionel started to cry again. I've never seen him like this before. He was usually so strong when this subject came up. Now he was crying. I burst into tears too and couldn't stop.
"Lionel, please, don't talk like that," I sobbed. "I can't stand it. I never want to lose you. I want to be with you forever."
"I know now that this is going to be my last Christmas, Carol. I know it. I'm so sorry. You have become so important to me and I never want to leave you either. But this is outside our control."
Lionel was so emotional now that he could hardly speak.
"Carol, you've got to promise me something. Will you? It's so important to me."
"Anything, honey, anything." I sobbed back.
"Promise me you'll stay with me every minute from now on? Please. Oh, God. I'm so scared. I'm so scared."
Lionel had let me go now and had turned his back to me. His face was buried in his pillow and he was sobbing like a baby. I couldn't do anything other that try to comfort him the best I could. I couldn't speak. I just didn't know what to say.
After what seemed like hours, but was probably not that long, his breathing became more regular and he had fallen to sleep. I whispered softly, "I promise, Lionel. I promise." I just lay there holding him, my naked body touching his, unable to sleep. I guess I finally drifted off because the next thing I remember was feeling Lionel move. It was daylight outside.
"Are you okay now, Lionel?" I asked sleepily. "I was so worried about you last night."
"Ya, I'm okay. I was just a bit emotional then, that's all," he replied turning around and putting his arm around me. We kissed passionately. This was the first time we ever woke up and kissed right away without brushing our teeth first. But this time neither of us minded. I always liked sex first thing in the morning, but today was going to be something special. I wanted it to be something that I could never forget long after Lionel was gone.